VariANT

November 10, 2008

vari•ant (-ənt)

adjective
1. varying; different; esp., different in some way from others of the same kind or class, or from some standard or type
noun

2. anything that is variant, as a different spelling of the same word, a different version of a tale, myth, or literary passage, etc.

Or…. a variation in plans?



THINGS turned out differently then I had planned.

We are still in Albuquerque.

On October 1st we were ready to go. My furniture was already in Utah. However, there was one huge hurdle concerning leaving El Jay here. Not knowing what I knew. I could not leave him. I made the hardest choice of all for me. To make a phone call and let the cards fall…. I would be starting something that would be painful and far reaching for my family. I knew I had no other choice, even if it meant remaining here indefinitely and possibly becoming homeless.


I was actually on the phone. Making that all important phone call when the doorbell rang. It was the Fed-Ex guy with an envelope. I was about to get an answer to my prayers. Well, one of many prayers. The letter was from the mortgage company, saying they were going to restructure my loan after all. I felt a huge burden lifting from my shoulders and I knew that my prayers had been heard. My basic needs acknowledged.
The last 6-weeks have been very stressful for with each blessing, it seems I am also given a trial to conquer.

On Halloween, I got sick. At first, I thought it was a bad sinus infection. It wasn’t….. I finally gave in and went to the ER where I was diagnosed with Ramsay Hunt Syndrome. See the picture? THAT was me at the worst of it. At times the pain was so bad… so so bad. It is still bad. I am still scabby and healing. There is still pain.

I don’t know what is next. I am here for the duration. I am job hunting. I am hoping to go back to school in the Spring.

DeviANT

July 20, 2008

de⋅vi⋅ant
  dee-vee-uh nt

–adjective
1. deviating or departing from the norm; characterized by deviation: deviant social behavior.

–noun
2. a person or thing that deviates or departs markedly from the accepted norm.


Do ants ever give up?

When that crumb of bread they are carrying is too heavy, do they stop
And quit?

If an ANT encounters an obstacle, do they crawl over or pick another path?

Do they deviate?

Am I am ANT? A true Ant?


All those choices I was bombarded by in the Spring… have been faced, but not yet conquered. I have decided:

• The house is in foreclosure. It didn’t sell.
• I am moving to Utah. Jeddy and I will live with my parents there.
• I will have to leave El Jay here, for now.
• I will deal with whether to return to school later.


This is one of those times when I feel I am telling this story remotely. This is not my story. How can it be? If it were, I would be crying.

PINK PINK YOU STINK

7/9/08


I Don’t Wanna Be Orange. I Wanna Be Pink.

El Jay started kindergarten on July 1st. Every day he comes home with something to share, a story to tell.

The story he shared with me a couple days ago reminded me that kindergarten hasn’t changed a whole lot since I was there 41-years ago. It also reinforced the feeling I have that El Jay and I think a lot alike. Poor kid.

He came home from school a little upset and said, “Mom, I don’t wanna be red, I wanna green.” Currently his favorite color is green. He then went on to explain that the children in his class were divided into groups and he was in the red group.

My memory bank flashed back to my own kindergarten experience. I was in the orange group. I wanted to be in the pink group. I remember explaining this to my teacher, but I was left sitting at the orange table. At the pink table were the two prettiest and smartest girls in the class, Debbie and Melissa, and I wanted to sit with them. I hoped that maybe they would be my friends if I was at their table. I felt I was at the orange table where the dumb kids were. I didn’t want the other students to associate me with the dumb kids. I didn’t want to be an outcast.

As a child I had an auditory processing disability which caused a serious speech impediment. When hearing me talk people often assumed I was deaf. I only had a very slight hearing loss. I also had the girl type of ADHD and dyslexia. I was highly imaginative, but very shy. Other children often teased me. In my 5-year old mind, being in the dumb orange group only reinforced to the other kids that I was stupid.

By the end of the school year I was resigned to sitting at the orange table, but for part of one brief day I was rewarded with sitting at the pink table.

My kindergarten teacher had brought in an incubator and a couple chicken eggs. However, after a while it became obvious that the eggs were not going to hatch. In the spring the school had a Back to School night and my mom attended. There she learned about the chicken eggs. We had mallard ducks at home. The female had laid eggs that were starting to hatch, so my mom went home from Back to School night, got two of the eggs and returned to my kindergarten class with them. When I got to class the next afternoon, one of the eggs had hatched, and the other one was starting to peck its way out.

I remember the teacher taking us up to the incubator in small groups throughout that afternoon so we could watch the duckling hatch. I felt so important because the teacher had said, “Tina has a mama duck at home and she gave us these eggs.” I had never felt so special before.

In June for Father’s day we were making clay animals to give our fathers. The orange group had to make cows. I didn’t want to make an ugly cow. I wanted to make a duck, but I knew better than to say anything. I was given a lump of clay and shown how to make a cow. Yet, before I got very far on my cow my teacher came back to my table and quietly asked me to come with her. Obediently, I followed her to the pink table. She explained that Debbie was absent and they had an extra seat, would I like to make a duck? She went on to say that she thought this was appropriate since I was the duck girl who had given the class our ducks. I nodded and said, “yes”. I made the best duck in the group too.
I still have my shiny green duck sculpture. It is one of my most valued possessions.

As El Jay told me we wanted to be green, I sympathized with him and I could get a glimpse into the workings of his amazing mind.

How To Write An ExcellANT Blog

6/29/08

I was asked WHEN I plan to post another BLOG entry(this is a post from my old BLOG). I had no answer. I didn’t know. I thought about WHAT I could write and, amazingly, my mind was blank.

EMPTY.

Oh no!

Is that possible?

One of the classes I have to take to graduate will teach me how to write for the internet. How to write a BLOG. How to write emails. How to maintain a website. All things a good PR person is excellent at.

I will write more then.


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Ok.... knowing me, I'll write more before then, too.

Amores Hormigas

4/28/08

Okay.... I hope I just didn't say something awful in my title. After all, if Amores Perros can translate as Love's a B***H... then instead of LOVES ANTS, I could have said.... any thing...?

Tonight for extra credit in my Spanish class I watched the movie Amores Perros or Love's a B***H. Watching it and writing a critique is worth adding one full percentage point to my overall grade.

As I did an online search for the director and cast, I read in two reviews how the English title translation is not accurate. However, just like the movie has three plots the title could be translated three ways.

I liked the contrast. Translating Amores as something wonderful, good, sweet, desirable. Perros as miserable and wretched. But why are dogs wretched? Isn't living a dog's life a good thing?

And I liked this dichos...Si tu historia acabó bien, explícalo en el canal de "amores". Si acabó mal, explícalo en "perros" (If your story turned out well, put it down to "amores." If bad, put it to "perros.")

Sounds like my life, somehow.

BUT...... isn't los perros the dogs? So.... if I have a terrible life, can I blame my problems on the dogs? And if I don't have a dog, do I have to go buy one, to have a dog to blame? IS this somehow where the phrase “Never kick a dog when it is down”, comes from?

Go ahead. Kick me one more time....

SPRING

4/10/08


Yesterday, as I rode the bus to the University, I looked around at many of the people who were also riding the bus and I was grateful that no matter how bad my life seems at times that I had not fallen that far…… you, know it can always be worse.


At school, as I walked to my Spanish class I noticed ahead of me a bush with clusters of purple flowers. Hoping they were lilacs, and having time before my Spanish class, I walked to where they were. They were lilacs; which are possibly my favorite flower. I inhaled their fragrance and simply stood there enjoying them. Lilacs are so elusive, because they are here such a short time each spring.


After class, as I was rushing to catch the next bus, I again got side-tracked. This time it was a pathway lined with “popcorn” trees. They were so pretty. I turned down that path and stood several yards down the path. The white petals were gently falling like snowflakes all around me. I simply stood, quietly, enjoying their beauty and fragrance.


I love Spring.

Y Tu?

I am planning to use some archived BLOG entries from somewhere else. This is one of those.

(March 27, 2008)

Tomorrow is my Spanish mid-term and I feel I am not retaining the information I am struggling to learn....

However.... one of the promodoras at work just came in my office and gave me a note for the book keeper, it says, "Laura, Mr. Silva nesasita que le llama." (the lack of accents, etc, is in her writing not my typing....)

WOW! All three words are in my vocabulary list. Simple sentence..... yet I knew the meaning at first glance!

Nesesita--necesitar (+inf) (v)=to need.

Que=what ,which.

Llama--llames (v)=to call...

So, it says, “Laura, Mr Silva needs you to call.....”

Now, I am smiling. Maybe I will learn Spanish still.

ETA: I got a 97% on my Spanish mid-term! I am still amazed that I did that well. I did study harder than I have for any other Spanish test, but I feel this time I had help from.... somewhere. I used more sources to study than just the book and online tutorial... I even read some children's books.....

Very FortunANT

2/20/08

I had a fortune cookie with my breakfast today. No, I think the cookie was my entire breakfast, anyway.....

I saw the Chinese language lesson on the back of the slip of paper first....

It said:

"Where are you going?" Ne cheu nar le.

I wish I knew where I was going. I've been asking myself that question. Everday I ask myself that question. Will I ever know?

The actual fortune read:

For insight on any quandary, turn to people with first hand experience....



….and as many add to the phrase..... in bed.

Loving Unconditionally

02/05/08

A hard moment as a mom today.

I was quickly walking across campus from my Mass Com class to the bus stop. The temperature was about 27 degrees; the sidewalk had icy patches still. I was in my own world of deep thought, looking down to avoid slipping. I was suddenly jerked into the moment as I saw my son, Joshua, walking about 12-feet away across the path. There were students between us, rushing to classes. He was on his way to work at the deli.

I began to call out to him, “Joooos…..” The words froze in my mouth as I saw he was smoking. I stopped, frozen to the spot. Time froze, too. I watched his back as he walked the opposite direction. Icy tears managed to find their way down my cheeks.
I suspected that he smoked. I really didn’t want to know. I knew he wasn't living the way I would want him to.

I remember a conversation years ago with my sister-in-law. We were talking about having kids. Neither of us had any yet. I wanted a house full. She didn’t want any. She asked me the question, “How do you know you are raising them right? What if when they are grown they reject the way you raised them?”

I simply said that you teach them what you believe to be right. You give them a good education and good values. You give then a good foundation. You teach them to be good people. You always give them unconditional love. Then when they are grown you give them the freedom to accept or reject your values and no matter what their choices are and how you feel about them, you continue to make sure they know you love them.

I guess that is where life has taken me now.

Some days, I wonder if it is all worth it.

Catching Snowflakes

2/4/08

I got to school about 15-minutes early today. Most of the sky was covered with dark clouds. The sky to the South had patches of blue escaping through the gray clouds. It was barely snowing. I did something very un-Tina-like. I sat down on a bench in an open area and waited for class to start. I sat there with these fluffy snow-flakes coming down. I sat quietly. I thought.

I caught a snow-flake in my hand. I looked at it. It melted. I stuck my tongue out and caught a snow-flake. It was wet. I enjoyed the moment.

That was not normal for me. I think I need to set a goal to do things that the current Tina doesn’t do on a weekly basis. Life has been so different and difficult for so long. It is time to take hold and find the old Tina again.

One Down Five To Go

1/22/08

Today is the first day of class, my 2nd semester as an ANT. Still no clue why I am school or what I am doing here. If I was sensible, I would be working full-time… somewhere, anywhere… just to make ends meet.

I have one class today—and every Tuesday. Writing for the Media. The first class I can take that will apply towards my major. I think I will like this class.

I am also taking Spanish 101 and Algebra.